cutting open my old diary to find parts of myself i had forgotten

november 2015

things are changing so fast. i am so much more comfortable and at peace with myself today than i ever was before. i feel like i am getting more self-aware by the hour. i smudge my half-smoked cigarette after dabbing it against the exterior wall of my home. is this home? it has hosted my growth. why do i long for escape? where is god? how is he or she or both or neither? i am at peace with my questioning self.

later in november 2015

i feel nauseous. maybe it’s the cold air or maybe it’s the permanent residue of shitty cigarettes in my mouth, too young

on my lips, too pure

at my fingertips, too eary

things we should’ve enjoyed at a later date what happened to house phone calls and watching glee, why am i trying to convince myself that i need an escape… am i longing for an escape to or an escape from?

october 2015

opposite way around these past few days. there’s no denying that i am sexually charged; we all are. my complexion has looked better, though. i feel no remaining interest in MB. moreover, my interest in him is so lacking i feel comfortable speaking to him ordinarily and hearing of other girls in his life. it doesn’t phase me. i’m not after a boy like him. i want a real ride. substance, laughter, energy, exhilaration. i know for a fact that the likes of MB, MW, AA, KA and BF cannot offer me that. i want to kiss SB, though, but that’s different. i don’t know, actually. is it any different?

september 2015

it isn’t hard, being productive. your focus is where you put it.

august 2015


have you any fucks

no sir

no sir

just good luck

in my head i like to stay

up above the noise and far away

i take deep breaths and i stay proud

fuck the world,

i’m on a cloud.


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