i can’t believe how naive i was, thinking that you were it.
that you were the one who’d look at me the way sunflowers look at the big mass of beautiful energy in the sky. i thought i knew who you were, but the more i learn you the more difficult it is for me to row down the same stream we initially thought would be smooth. it’s not smooth. there are hidden rocks that jut-out at unexpected turns and there are currents that even the most skilled sailor cannot foresee. and they told me that love is sacrifice. it is. but now i understand that it’s a question of what is worth such sacrifice. loyalty is not. and neither is my dignity. did you honestly think i wouldn’t detest the thought of your lips exploring the curves and crevices of others’? i miss that dream-like night we had in the tub. listening to mac demarco. getting lifted. growing a certain love for each other. that was the best night of my life; i felt safe and loved. maybe if we were living in the same country we would’ve had our time to let things play-out naturally. maybe our being together would have cut things even shorter. i don’t know. all i’m certain of is that i can’t wait for you while you spread the intimacy we once shared, with other girls who might never deserve you. no, maybe they do deserve you. maybe they deserve you more than i do, but either way you’re not treating them right. and you’re not treating me right, either. they say if you love something you’ve got to let it go. i never quite identified with that phrase the way i do right now. i may not have been enough for you to love and hold close, but someone will be. when you find her, don’t tell her about the erotic dreams you have of other girls. don’t expect her to be okay with you seeing other people. don’t promise her that if anything physical with another girl escalates to an emotional relationship, that she’ll be “mentioned”. if she loves you the way i loved you, with depth and sincerity, she’ll hurt. and that’s when she’ll start holding back. but because you’re so consumed by your own life, you probably won’t notice until it’s too late. my love, what we had during that fleeting moment of time was magical. but it was also unreal. i made the mistake of latching onto that fleeting euphoria and filling-in the gaps with unrealistic ideas of our romance manifesting. i thought our love would conquer geographical boundaries. again, i was naive. i’ve learned from this, though. and i thank you for teaching me so much about both myself and the way the world works. you’ll always hold a special place in my heart, but not in the way i’d expected you to. you made me see both dust and diamond in the same mirror at different times, and now i know better than to grant anyone such power over the way i see myself. you’ve taught me so much. and i only pray i’ve done the same for you.